I want myself back...

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Usssssssssh... It’s been a long time since I had a thought of changing my life style. Too many things are eating out my mind. Too little time to analyze it. Couple of days to take a decision. Lot of unmanageable situations. Too much of a disturbance. What is going on? I honestly don’t know. This is not me... Im damn sure. I have got changed a lot in these years. Nowadays am not at all managing my commitments. It’s really hard to feel the silence. This life really really suckssssssss.

Am I reaching the creativity dead end? If this is creative dead end then I would see a career dead end too. It scares me. Everything seems blue and I feel so lost. I want to write a lot of things, do a lot of things but somehow the force is missing. The energy is gone. The vibrations are all dead. It is long since I did something creative, something worth being appreciated, something that someone can comment on, something I can cherish, and something that will be honest and complete.

Too many things happening at the same time too. Too little bandwidth I got to handle everything at the same time. I’m very bad at handling pressure. I either breakdown for a while or hide out. I fight against something only when I trust myself to win. Else, I remain silent to save myself from further damage.

Now I don’t know the phase I’m going through. Never been like this. I’ve lost in touch with quite a few friends. I’m not the same with a lot of friends. I’m an alien at home. I don’t seem to enjoy anything recently. I own the collection of movies (Once i loved to watch lot of movies). I’ve longed for that. I don’t even want to see it in this gloom. Is everything over? Or is it just a biological process at this age? 24. And I move around like a lost sheep not knowing where to go, where my path is destined, if this is what I want, this is what I need to know, this is the place I need to be, this is the world I want to live.

I’ve been forcing myself to concentrate on a lot of things but eventually I seem to be paranoid with that activity and eventually give up. I was reading a novel and am on page 6 and I was reading the same page for over 20 minutes I don’t remember a word or scenario in that. I feel totally wasted.

This is not me. I want to live myself… I want myself back... certainly……

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